Archives for the month of: September, 2012

I’m not sure what to write, but I feel like I need to say something. I hate when you follow a blog and there are no posts for ages; I don’t want to do that to you.

I’ve been struggling with what to write about for the whole of this absence. There are things I want to say, but there are things preventing me from saying them…you know how it is. The blog started out as anonymous, and with that, I felt like I could say more; now that the blog is far from anonymous, I worry about every word I say; whether it’s appropriate or not; the fact is, I haven’t been in this life long enough to really know what is share-able and what isn’t.

I think I can tell you about my current struggle though…be warned, this is a whining post. It may annoy some of you, by the end of writing it, I will probably be annoyed with myself and realise that I just need to harden up…

We’ve been in Darwin for a few months now. I started out kind of liking it, but that feeling has all but gone away; I really hate it here now. I imagine that it has to do with finding out I was pregnant. Before we found out, this new life felt like an adventure; something fun; a place where we could really grow up and become independent, just the two of us.

Finding out that we were going to be parents changed the whole thing though. Instead of loving the independence and distance that Darwin brings, I now long to be around my family and friends, getting fatter and eventually welcoming this baby.

It’s all about expectations I guess…I never dreamed that I would become an Army Wife, and even once I did, I couldn’t imagine the empty loneliness that being away from your family can bring. I always expected to be surrounded by the people I love and we would all bask in the joy of my growing family together.

(Now is when I start to pep-talk myself, haha) I’m not the first person to go through this. Not even kind of. It seems to me like having babies is a prerequisite for being an Army Wife (this, of course, is an exaggeration) haha.

My mum lived in Canada when I was born; her mum lived her in Australia. There was no email, no skype, and phone calls were insanely expensive; they wrote letters that would take weeks to arrive. I can’t even imagine how that would feel; I thank God everytime I log on to skype that we have that option. So I do get to celebrate with my family, just in a different way.

I know things will get better, and that this is an adjustment. I finally have some friends moving here in the next few weeks, and I’m going home for November; it’s just an adjustment period, and I’m 100% sure that it will get better (even with wet season on its way! haha).

I think I had a romanticised idea about what being an Army Wife was like, even up until recently. It wasn’t until Baby B was involved that the reality, and difficulties become evident, or really mattered.

xxx

So the reason I haven’t really posted lately, is that the only thing really going on in our lives right now is that we’re pregnant!

I couldn’t tell you that just yet, but I also, had nothing to say that didn’t involve, “YIPPEEEEEEEEE! WE’RE GOING TO BE PARENTS!”, so I just stayed quiet.

I don’t know how this would go outside of the Army (since this is my first time), but deciding to have a baby, as an Army family, was extremely influenced by our unique circumstances.

I have dreamed of children my entire life; ask anyone who knows me…I’m obsessed. My husband has also always wanted children, and it’s been something we’ve talked about since before we were even dating – when we were just friends.

We did the marriage thing (which I love), and then we did the Army thing. Our lives changed so much when we chose the Army, and it was in a direction completely opposite to anywhere I ever thought it would go.

J (it seems wrong to call him soldier boy now that he’s gonna be a dad) went off to training and I continued to dream about having a baby; this time the dreams had to account for possibilities civilian families really don’t have to though…

I’m talking about J not being here for the birth of our baby. Sure there are civilian couples who are separated, single parents, etc…but for myself, I always saw that moment of becoming a family as including all members…in a physical way. As scary as this possibility is, I’ve come to terms with it, and I know that no matter what circumstances our family materialises under, we will still be a family, and it will still be amazing.

Anyway, so we decided that there wasn’t much point waiting; we’ve been married for two years, and although we’re young, we have a stable life/income etc. We were so blessed to be successful right away (despite 5 negative pregnancy tests trying to tell me otherwise), and we can’t wait to be parents.

Sure there are things that will be different/harder about becoming a mum as an Army wife, but I don’t think any of those things are worth not becoming one.

xxx

I would LOVE to hear all of your thoughts/experiences on becoming parents either outside or inside of the Army!